Real Guilt

Ever since Jill Savage, founder of Hearts at Home, asked us to share a story of guilt on her blog hop (read other stories of mom guilt here), I've been pondering the post I wrote. Really, I don't feel guilty about the time Hadley pulled her little sister's arm out of place. For me it is one of those, "It happens moments." Mostly the story makes me laugh.  The arm dislocation story was the first one that came to mind since Jill's story was along the same lines: a time when a child got hurt because we weren't paying close attention. Certainly such stories can cause guilt, but not in my case.

For me, the mom guilt comes in the little things. Mostly in the ways I view myself as inferior to other moms. Here's some examples of little things that make me feel guilty:

• Opening a produce drawer in the refrigerator and finding a rotting cucumber, a rotting pepper and a rotting spinach. 
• Finding leftovers in the back of the fridge that are growing mold, not so much because I forgot about it but because I didn't like what I made and preferred to eat something with melted cheese. 
• Checking out at the grocery store that doubles coupons up to $1.00 and not having any coupons to hand the cashier.
• Spending money on some little trinket like a hair accessory for the girls when I know I the budget doesn't really allow it. 
• Listening to a friend talk about her training schedule for a 10K, knowing that I did not exercise once during the week and really could have found the time. 
• Learning of a friend who accomplished ten big projects in one day while I accomplished only one. 

Guilt comes in two forms: useful (rare) and harmful. Guilt over something we should be doing, like spending time with God, eating well or exercising can be useful only if it motivates us to confess our sin and ask God to help us change. Guilt doesn't usually work this way because even if we confess, we usually hold on to the guilt and allow it to steal contentment and joy. Most guilt, at least most of my guilt, comes from comparing myself to other people and not measuring up. I may not accomplish ten projects in one day, but I called a friend to pray with her and I spent time with God while reading his word, and I counseled my nine-year-old as dealt with the most recent "mean girl" event at school.

Perhaps my guilt is harmful because most it comes from standard's of the world. Guilt can't be useful unless the Spirit is convicting your heart of sin. 

For now, my best defense against harmful guilt is to redirect my thinking to God's word which clearly states the standards of God. 

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.--Micah 6:8 (NIV)

Mom Guilt

Jill Savage, founder of Hearts At Home, is having a be-real day. She wants moms to share real stories of parenting goof-ups that sometimes make them feel guilty.  Check out her website to read other real mom guilt stories.

Here's one of mine.

Let's say the girls were 2 and 4 since I can't remember with certainty. We were shopping at Town and Country, the best grocery store I've ever regularly shopped at (having the snow capped mountains of Big Sky country added to its appeal but is not a reason I rank it so high).

Grocery shopping with both girls at this age was big deal. It took all my energy and lots of planning. My youngest was easy at the store, just hand her a snack, kiss her a few times and she sat happily. But. she was the child who, if she got hurt emotionally or physically, would carry on for 20  minutes longer than my patience. And her high-decibel crying gave me permanent hearing loss.

 My 4-year-old struggled with any kind of physical restraint and I had given up on making her sit in the cart long ago. She didn't like to hold hands in parking lots; wanted to touch, feel and purchase every interesting thing; and viewed long grocery store aisles as running tracks. She also liked the echo of her voice in the store if she was loud enough.

Produce aisles have hundreds of ways a 4-year-old can cause problems.
Image from TownsquareMT.com 

We were 3/4 of the way through the store: past the difficult produce section (so much to touch and to make fall), and past the greedy snack section. We were in dairy and Hadley (the 4-year-old) was sick of holding onto that cart. So she started to hold on to her sister's hand. Kassy would giggle. I was picking out yogurt flavors.  Pull on sister's hand. Giggle. Twist sister's arm. Giggle. Pull and twist. Scream to wake the dead. I scolded Hadley for her careless behavior, tried to comfort the wailing Kassy and attempted to finish finding the things on my list. I was irritated at Hadley so I snapped at her. And then I became irritated at Kassy. It had been 10 minutes. Surely she was overreacting.

By the time we checked out of the store, Kassy was still screaming. I was threatening her if she didn't stop carrying on (don't remember the threats and thankfully neither does she). She screamed even harder when I placed her in the car seat, fell asleep on the way home and renewed her screaming when I tried to bring her in the house again. By this time I noticed that she wouldn't move her arm.

Eventually we ended up in the emergency room. Kassy's elbow joint had been dislocated and in a beautifully simple chiropractic type move, the doctor put everything back in place and the ordeal was over.