Isaac Prinicple: When we wonder if we are raising them right

Have you ever moved from a place wishing you had more time to get to know someone? That's how I feel about Naomi, today's mentor mom. I was just getting to know her when we left Iowa. Her spirit is calm and peaceful and she takes all things before the Lord. She always has scripture on heart. God's gentle reminder through Naomi will bless you this morning, no matter what issue of motherhood you are struggling with.

Naomi's daughter Ruth will graduate from high school this year. And the title of this post? The name came to me after reading and rereading Naomi's words this past week. Enjoy. And please leave a comment to encourage my friend.

I’ve been thinking and praying about what the Lord wants me to say. Where do I begin? What makes up a person has so many facets: the environment she grew up in, the cities, friends, community of believers, education, and the parents’ relationships with each other, the child, with God, and with other siblings…

I think most importantly in reviewing Ruth’s life is a realization that she is God’s. God is her Father, and He has a plan for her. He knows exactly what environment, education, and experiences she needs to become who she should be, and to play her part in ultimately fulfilling God’s eternal purpose.

So, our learning should be to humble ourselves and ask God in all of our decisions, great or small, what He wants in our children’s lives. Just when I think I know God and know how to rear my child, God shows me how mistaken I am. Not all the time, but often. The more I grow in my walk with the Lord, the more I realize that all my wisdom is nothing and God is everything.

Don’t get me wrong, we can probably raise really good Christian children with our Christian principles and world views, but is that what God wants for that particular child? And is there Christ gained in our own journey of parenthood?

I’m often reminded of Abraham’s experience in sacrificing his only son. Just when Abraham thought he had gotten God figured out, God told him to do something so pagan. Are we willing to lay aside what WE think our Christian family should be and give God the full right to lead us?

A few things come to mind in our experience with Ruth, who is 18 now. The first big matter was schooling: home school vs. public school. Before Ruth was in kindergarten, we prayed for about a year, seeking God’s will. We eventually had peace and felt led to put her in the public school.

I’m sure God knew more in depth what impact this path would have on Ruth, but for sure it wasn’t the easiest way for us or for her. Ruth struggled from middle school until last year with peer pressure and worldly influences. We all grew a lot, not just her. God also used this period of life to perfect us as parents. We had to be very prayerful and vigilant all the time not just for her future but moment by moment how we should interact with her, what we should or should not say.

Another way God had to adjust my thinking was family worship. I had the ideal in my mind that good Christian families should have regular worship time and Bible reading together. We did practice it here and there but not on a regular basis. At different times, I would “pick up the lack” and read the Bible or a book with Ruth. Brian, too, read a book with her one summer which brought out excellent discussions. I, at times, blamed Brian inwardly and murmured that he was just not a scheduled person. I even doubted his leadership at times. But he just told me recently that he never wanted the Bible to be so familiar to Ruth that when she grew up, reading the Word would become routine. Today, Ruth is reading the Word daily and is very excited about the freshness of every new revelation. I worship God for my husband’s wisdom.

What we do have in our family is a fun and loving atmosphere. We live godly lives in our daily activities and life goals. Our top ambition is to please the Lord and to build His church. So, our daily life reflects that. When we are fed by the Word and excited about what we read, we share with one another those nuggets. We have people over all the time for meals and also minister to them in their homes. We pray for unbelievers and those who are in sin. We live a life of reaching out to people. Almost daily we have family or one-on-one conversations about topics concerning the Bible, the world, or a spiritual issue. God’s Word is alive in our family.

Going to public school also exposed Ruth to a diversity of cultural and religious backgrounds. Over the years, we’ve had many opportunities to talk about the different religions since Ruth has had friends who were Muslim, Mormon, Jewish, and Atheist. These interactions gave her a chance to understand and love people whose backgrounds were different than ours.

We have a sweet relationship with Ruth. When she was going through a period of rebellion and darkness over a year ago, what hurt her most was that her relationship with her parents and God was suffering. She had lost our trust. But now her conscience is free of guilt and she loves that more than anything else.

Recently, the music store where she teaches private violin lessons offered to let her teach full-time if she would stay. She had already committed to go to Truman State University. But this came as a total surprise. It really shook her up. Even though both Brian and I had some feelings about the matter, we wanted Ruth to learn to hear God in this very important life decision. We encouraged her to continue to pray and learn which way God was leading her with the peace of God being the umpire (Col 3:15). She prayed and felt God leading her to Truman and we both confirmed that was also our feeling. 

While your daughters are at home, teach them life skills with ease, cooking, cleaning, submitting, and most importantly, hearing God so they will be equipped to go out to the world, live a healthy life, and be a strong testimony for Christ.

Love,

Naomi

3 ways to bless a friend going through divorce

I am giddy to share with you today. My awesome friend Sarah bravely agreed to write a post for me. During my lonely years in Montana she was the needed friend God sent me.  I've never laughed so hard or cried so hard with anyone. And today, you get to learn from her wisdom. Her post reminds me of 2 Corinthians 1:4 which says, God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Sarah, I am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing. Please encourage her, dear readers, with your comments.

When my dear friend Laura asked me to write a post about how to support a friend who is going through a divorce, I thought, sure, I can do that. But then I realized, no, I don’t know anything about other people's situations – they are all unique. But I do know how the people God brought into my life ministered to me and how that helped me through the pain and struggles of divorce.

Six years ago, when I was going through the divorce, my children were very young (pre-school).  My husband was pursuing a relationship with another woman, ending our marriage. At the time, I had a narrow network of support – I had put all my emotional energy into my marriage. But God gathered people around me, from my church and from out of the blue, and He blessed and encouraged me through them.

I felt marked, like I was wearing a big red letter “S” during the separation, then a big red “D” after the divorce. Divorce? Me? I struggled with being a divorced person and how the Christian community would respond to me. I was most blessed by the friends who mourned with me, but did not judge me for my situation. People I didn’t know as well blessed me by sending cards expressing their support and love.

If you know someone going through a separation and divorce, call them and let them know, by telling them, that you are there for them if they need anything. If you don’t know them as well, send them a card offering your love, prayers, and support.

I felt discarded and unlovable. The sadness was always there. It was a day-to-day struggle with sadness, pain, and loneliness. The friends who blessed me most were faithful in their friendship. They actively loved me, sought me out, called to check on me, persevered despite my self-absorption. Friends who blessed me during that time listened, encouraged, and cared, but they also shared their lives with me and helped me get outside my situation and myself. They allowed me to serve them (host, watch their children, etc.). It was healing for me to be valuable in someone else’s life.

Sarah blessed me by inviting my family over to celebrate MY birthday. She made the whole meal, accommodating all the food restrictions in my family.....gluten free and sugar free. It was better than a gift wrapped with a pretty bow.  

Be persistent. Keep initiating. Keep reaching out. Listen and be supportive, but be real. Don’t hide your own life and struggles. Also share and let them be a friend to you.

I was brokenhearted over the divorce's impact on my children. Every week when they went for the overnight with their dad, my heart broke again. Huge blessings came from friends who made a point to invite me over (or invite themselves over to my place) when my children were with their dad.  One time, I remember feeling brokenhearted, sad, worried for my children--mourning their pain, distraught at the loss of my dreams for the family life I wanted them to have. I was crying uncontrollably and needed a friend. I called my dear friend Laura. As soon as she heard my tears, she said, “I’m coming over.” She came, she sat with me on the couch as I cried. And she didn’t say anything. That was so healing and comforting for me. She listened, cried with me, and hugged me. She blessed me with her caring presence.

Let them cry. You can’t fix it, so don’t try. And you probably don’t understand their pain and that’s OK. But you can be there and be a physical, tangible expression of God’s love to them.

Thank you, Lord, for the many people you put in my life to encourage and comfort me. Thank you, Lord, for the many friendships that have come out of that time. I am so blessed, so enriched by the lives you brought to touch mine.  

Mentor Mom: Linda shares how her family works

When you move, there are people, who though not your best friend, you wish you could see again because they were wise, interesting, or inspiring. Today I would like you to meet Linda. Linda's family is one my husband and I have long admired. It's been almost 7 years since I've lived in the same city as Linda. Her twins are all grown up and she is a grandma now. Linda is the kind of person who handles life's twists with grace and peace and prayers. I wish I could have watched her handle the 7 years. And mentor mom? Well, what a great excuse to contact her and learn. 

When I ask someone to be a mentor mom, I give them a list of questions to help them brainstorm fro their post. Some moms answer just a few of the questions, some focus on one, some find their own topic. Linda chose to answer about ten of them! 

Tell us about your family:

We've been married 29 years and have 4 kids aged 28, 25, 20, 20.  We have three daughters and one son.  We We live in Des Moines.

Are there regular practices you used to help your kids grow in their faith?

Our regular practices included meeting regularly with believers of all ages in all kinds of settings- homes, parks, restaurants, and we did attend a local fellowship.  We prayed aloud "on the fly" - in the car, when we were scared, when bad things happened, when kids were mean at school, etc.  Sometimes we read the Bible together, sometimes we prayed before bed, all through high school my husband read aloud to the girls.  We read good books, not necessarily Christian books.   Regular practices changed as ages changed, as schedule changed, as circumstances changed.

I did not schedule quiet time for them.  I tried various time to have quiet times with my girls individually.  It did not happen nearly as often as I intended or wanted.

What did you pray for your kids? 

Things I pray:   they would fear God and bend to His will - they'd know Him

they'd respond to God's love

He'd give them spiritual eyes

protection from the evil one

Now that they are older - a husband who loves God and people and will cherish her

Did you have issues with modesty? Tell us about it.

We had minor issues with modesty.  They dressed modestly compared to our culture.  I dress modestly, and we had a general guideline of modesty, no specific rules.

How did you handle sleepovers? 

I dislike sleepovers at any age.  Sleep was a priority for me as a mom of 4 kids and no child comes home from a sleepover well-rested and/or in a good mood.  I personally felt uncomfortable with sleepovers because how do you ask who will be there - stepdads?  big brothers? uncles? inappropriate movies, games, ouija boards? The scary list is long.

Curfews?

They made their own social engagement decisions in high school.  We'd ask questions, and give a time to be home.  Sometimes we argued about it.

Dating/courtship? Share advice or rules you gave your daughters about these things. 

We highly encouraged group activities with boys/girls in middle school/high school.  We let them go to school dances with dates in a group.  Dating did not become an issue.  None of our girls were boy crazy.

Our oldest went to college, fell in love as a freshman.  She had known the young man for a few years, as our families were friends.  We supported and encouraged their decision to marry at 20/21 knowing it is not culturally done often now.  Both were responsive to us (parents) and God.  They both finished college and he has now completed med school and residency.  They lived in low income housing and held jobs while attending school.  Marriage comes with responsibilities and privileges.

My advice regarding boyfriends would be to encourage any guy friends to spend lots of time with your own family.  It becomes evident if he does not fit in or want to be with you.  Siblings often listen to each other's opinions and observations.  If he does not want to spend time as a family, it's a red flag.  Dating and marriage is  a chance to influence and befriend a young man.

I love my daughters and my son.  They are all gifts.  It is very satisfying to see our married daughter make a home, love her own husband and children, show hospitality to others, live out her relationship with God.  

Other advice? 

One other bit of advice would be to expose your own daughters to other mothers and fathers.  It can clarify, help solidify your own values.  It can also give your girls someone to talk to if/when she does not want to talk to you. 

How did you encourage the father/daughter relationship?

Our girls developed a love for football by watching with their dad.  Their dad went on camping trips with other dads/ daughters through church each fall and spring.  He also took the girls on several Boundary Waters canoe trips. Live life openly with your kids.  Include them whenever you can and include their friends whenever you can.

The mother/daughter relationship?

Since my girls are all adults, we want to do girls only trip every 2 years.  Our first was a road trip to Texas to visit a friend who had moved.  It was a blast.

How did you handle sibling conflict?

The sibling conflict thing was a tough one for us.  I still hurt for my girls when they are not getting along and I can't force them to love one another.  As kids, we had them "work it out"  but of course going through the motions can be done easier than heartfelt apologies.  

School choices are tough. Can you explain the choices your family made regarding schooling? 

School choice for us was city public school.  It was good and bad.  We had excellent teachers and some poor ones.  We chose to fight  unbiblical "stuff"  in a public school setting rather than a Christian school and did not have finances to fund private school anyway.  I recommend really seeking God on school or home school or private.  There are no perfect scenarios.  We live in a very fallen world, and fallen people teach in all those places.

Thank you so much Linda for sharing your wisdom. 

Mentor Mom: Lysa on not raising a good girl

Mondays. Don't you just love them now that you get to learn from other moms? Today's mentor mom is Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries. Maybe you've heard her encouraging words on the radio or have read her book Made to Crave. Now you might be thinking, "Laura, how on earth did you get her to write for your blog?" Well I didn't. I didn't even try. Today is a sneaky Mentor Mom that doubles as a Fuel article. Lysa's devotion post for March 15th fit so perfectly with the goals of Mentor Mom posts that I decided to wait and share it on a marvelous Monday.

So head on over to the devotion section of Proverb 31 Ministries and read why Lysa's post, "I Don't Want to Raise A Good Child." 

Monday Mentor Mom: How to deal with sibling fights

I've never loved Mondays until I started Monday Mentor Moms. I love soaking up the wisdom others offer here. Today's mentor is a mom I only know through blogging (she blogs at Positively Alene). The lack of personal time together doesn't lessen the wise words she shares today through a beautifully told story. Thank you so much Alene for sharing and if you, dear reader,  have time, say thank you to Alene by leaving a comment or checking out her blog. Now get comfy, grab your favorite hot drink and soak. 

Alene's kids, all grown up

It is such an honor to be here at Pruning Princesses today. I take the invitation seriously when someone asks if I can mentor or share about what I've learned on my journey, especially when it comes to kids and their lives.

A little about me: I've been married for almost 30 years and 23 of those were in the military. We have since retired from the military and now live in Corpus Christi, Texas where I write, speak, teach and love to wear pink shoes. I have raised three beautiful children – two girls, the youngest (19) and the oldest (24), and a boy (22) sandwiched smack dab in the middle of them. And it is hard to believe, but my son will be married this May to a girl I already call my third daughter. You can read about their engagement HERE.

As my kids were growing up it was very important to me that family be number one. I didn't want to just say that, I wanted the way the kids played and interacted with one another to reflect that we were a close family. Growing up in a family where my siblings and I fought like cats and dogs (not that mom approved) I wanted more for my children.

We were a tight family that enjoyed one another, which was a blessing! We had just made another military move about the time the kids ended up in elementary and it seemed that out of nowhere there was bickering between the kids. There were quarrels and name calling. I heard constantly, “Mom, she called me the S-word!” I was glad when I realized that word was stupid because my mind was thinking of worse.

Coming up with a solution, I sat the kids down and explained to them how negative words made others feel and that it took four positive words to make up for one negative word. I then began to layout our new rules for the home:

1. Any time I heard one of them say something negative to or about one of their siblings, they would both have to come together in front of me.
2. The one who had said the negative words would have to apologize.
3. They would then have to say two positive statements about their sibling to make up for the negative treatment.

They kids agreed to their new set of rules (like they had a choice) and we were off and running with peace permeating the home. I thought I was genius as for a few days there wasn't any bickering or name-calling.

Then it happened–the squabble broke out which ended in name-calling. I called them in to me and reminded them of the situation we were in and what our new rules were.

The guilty one quickly apologized, while staring blankly at the ground I might add. Then I said, “Now, you need to tell your sister two positive and encouraging things to help her feel better.”

Oh. My. Goodness. You would have thought I was asking him to recite the whole 13^th Chapter out of 1^st Corinthians about love. He balked. He squirmed. He swayed. He glared at the floor. Then finally he squeaked out,“I like your shoes.”Then he balked some more. He squirmed even more. And swayed as he whispered, “You're good at gymnastics.”

As a mom baring witness to this moment of awkwardness, I wasn't sure how to act. As I thanked him for the positive comments, I wanted to laugh out loud. I then reminded them both that this was the new rule in our house.

I’d love to tell you we never had another squabble break out, but we did. We followed through with the new rule and eventually the conflicts between the kids subsided. As they grew older they learned how to work through their differences and as I watch them today as young adults it is such a blessing to see how close they are. It was worth the trouble and discipline to train them on what was appropriate behavior and what was not.

Moms, you set the tone. When our children are flustered and yelling at each other, it is so easy for us to react if we don't have a plan in place. If you find yourself in this season of life where your children are bickering, you take responsibility (no matter their ages) and set the tone for your home.

May we always be mindful of how our words are so influential in others lives, no matter what our age. When we can take the time to train our children to new habits of positive behavior it will benefit them and our families all their days ahead.

And by the way,“I like your shoes!”

You can connect with Alene at her blog Positively Alene, Facebook, and Twitter. 

Monday Mentor Moms: Carol on faith, sports, and more

Last week I introduced you to my friend Carol, her words on spending time with your kids are still influencing my daily actions. Thankfully, Carol has more advice to share with us. Grab your favorite hot drink, get comfy and fill your idea bag.  If you missed the first Mentor Mom post about Carol, click here.

One of the things I love about Carol is her dependence on God. For most of her early mothering years, Carol suffered from chronic illnesses that kept her in bed. She could not do many of the things the moms around her were doing. She learned to trust God to compensate for all her weaknesses. She knew that God loved her kids more than she did and He has been faithful. Carol's faith shines in all she does.

Mother and daughter, Carol and Maryel

On helping kids grow in their faith: When her kids were toddlers and in elementary school, Carol did devotions with her kids. But she backed off in Jr. High. She did not force her kids to spend time studying God's word or praying but rather gave devotions and journals as gifts. Because Carol was often stuck in bed, her kids sometimes read Scripture to her. Carol and her family made time at Christian family camps a priority, and she and her husband required them to attend youth group. Carol prayed with her kids daily and encouraged small group participation. She thinks every kid needs spirituals mentors other than parents. Carol notes that sometimes tweens and teens want to drop out of spiritual life. Carol cautions, "Don't let them. They have no idea what is good for them."

Carol also emphasized the importance of making your relationship with Christ well known in your house: Confess to your kids if you watched a movie you should have walked out of, let your kids see you studying the Word, talk to your kids about spiritual things at dinner. Carols notes, "If you only take your kids to church, they won't  think faith is real. They are not going to get it."

Spiritual dialog was a big part of Carol's family. They dialoged about hard questions like,"Why isn't God healing your mom?" The kids witnessed their parents making mistakes, confessing them and asking for prayer. They learned through these conversations to work our their salvation on a daily basis and what to do when they themselves made mistakes.

On monitoring movies and music: Carol knows that early on families need to make specific rules about what movies are okay to watch, but eventually, Carol thinks parents need to let their kids choose which movies to watch. Once her kids were old enough, Carol stopped saying no to certain movies but instead taught her kids to use pluggedin.com (Focus on the Family's media review site). She taught them to pray about movie choices and to pay attention when a movie caused that sick-in-the-stomach feeling. She tried to teach them to be discerning, to have judgement through God's eyes. Probably as a result, Carol and her husband never had much trouble with their kids watching things they shouldn't.

On Sports and busy schedules: Because Carol was often confined to bed, her kids couldn't be involved in too many activities. But as a long time youth group volunteer, Carol knows what busy schedules can do to family life. She advises family to limit activities (especially sports) to one at a time. She notices that over-scheduled families have no family time; parents are always separated, one with one kid, and another with a different kid often in different cities for sports. Carol has also seen kids who think their whole identity is playing a sport. Those kids sometimes get injured and then are lost and depressed because their identity is gone. Carol wants kids to have their identity in Christ.

For this reason, Carol doesn't think families should allow kids to miss church for sports, especially regularly.

"What kind of message does this send?" she asks.

Carol's daughter Maryel was an excellent gymnast. Her coach wanted to her train more, up to 12 hours a week which would mean missing much family time. Carol said no. And she encourages parents to say no too. Maryel was heartbroken, but Carol knew that Maryel would benefit more from being home with her family than from flipping in a gym.

A story and final advice: Carol told me about one high schooler in her youth group who called her up, excited. The girl just had the best day. A boy didn't call. She didn't get an A in a tough class. She had a squirt gun fight with mom. The girl said she that it was the most fun she had had with her mom in years.

I will end this awesome time with Carol in her own words, "When kids hit puberty and push you away--do not let them. Do not believe it. Embrace your kids even more. Find a restaurant she likes and start hanging out there. Do nails. Do not let them hide inside their rooms. Go lay on their beds and talk. Love them more. Don't just tell them what they can't do or should do, you gotta have a relationship....Don't think it is more important to empty the dishwasher than spend time with your kids....Send the message that God put your family together. Let them know that you are thrilled to be their mom. "

Carol, thank you so much for sharing. We are blessed to learn from your wisdom. Now go have a water fight.

Monday Mentor Mom: Carol on building healthy relationships with your girl

It's Monday. A great day to meet a mom who's been there and done and wants to share want she's learned. Carol is my sweet friend from Bible Study and book club. If she could meet you, she'd welcome you with a warm hug and a big smile. Carol has pointed Junior and Senior high girls toward Jesus for over 30 years. She's the only woman I know over the age of 40 who still stays up all night at lock-ins! She's been married for 34 years. When God nudged, Carol gave up a successful business career to stay home and raise her kids. Her kids, Nathan(23) and Maryel (21), are still her first ministry.

Carol lives in my town so I was able to meet with her and have a relaxing 2-hour chat about raising kids. I wish you could have been there with me, but you can still grab you tea and soak up some inspiration.

On the Father/daughter relationship: Once Carol and I finished catching up on personal family issues, the first issue Carol wanted to address was the father/daughter relationship. As a confidant for dozens of young girls over the years, Carol can spot, within 30 minutes, the ones that are ignored by their dad. Usually the ones who dress for attention, are head over heels for boys, and catty--those are the ones. Carol encourages families to sent aside money in the budget for dad to spend one one one time with their girl(s). Carol's husband took Maryel out once a week (once a month would work too). The tradition worked well and even as a college student Maryel calls her dad daily. Maryel never felt the need to date around or dress immodestly and Carol believes such fortitude comes from a strong relationship with her father, "We are created to be loved by a male and if they (girls) don't get it from a dad, they will find it somewhere else."

On ways to connect to your girl : Carol wants you to etch out time to regularly do something fun with your daughter, "Find something your kids like, even if you don't like it." Carol and Maryel used to watch Gilmore Girls together every week. It was a great show, because it was cool to have a mom who watched such a popular show. Carol used the show to connect with Maryel and to teach. The mom in the show made bad decisions that Carol and Maryel could talk about and when the show's daughter Rory gave up her virginity in college, they mourned together.

Carol also took days off each year to do special things with her kids, one on one. Her son, he liked to ride in the car and talk. So Carol and Nathan would spend hours in the car, just driving. Carol would find fun, inexpensive ways to make Maryel feel special. Maryel still speaks fondly of one day when she and her mom spent the day thrift store shopping for clothes for her favorite bear.

On handling stressful situations: When household dynamics headed toward anger and yelling, Carol taught her kids at a young age to take a break. She would separate the siblings or even herself, telling them they needed a break. Carol emphasized stopping situations when kindness had vanished. Separation helped change perceptions and decrease the tension levels.  Teaching this skill when the kids were young really helped.

Thank you so much for sharing Carol. It fills the cups of the younger moms who long for a mentor. Next week I will share Carol's thoughts on keeping your family from being too busy and developing spiritual disciplines in your kids! I know you already can't wait for next Monday.

Monday Mentor Moms: Wendy on Raising Teens

Welcome to Monday Mentor Moms. Today, part 2 from Wendy. If you missed the first post from this woman who is crazy about Jesus, click here. Today Wendy shares inspiring  advice for raising teenagers. Be Blessed. Remember to leave Wendy a comment to thank her for sharing. 

Believe it or not, my list for raising Godly daughters seemed easily attainable when my girls were young. When daughters are little, mothers are everything to them. You are the most beautiful and honored individual in their life. They want to be just like you when they grow up. They hang on your every word and watch for your every response. In turn they  learn how to respond to life's issues.   


I loved those young tender years:  baking cookies, tea parties, playing dolls, growing gardens, and some days reading books snuggled up on the coach for hours. That season in my life my biggest prayer was for wisdom daily that I would know what behavior and attitudes needed to be corrected, what needed gentle instruction and encouragement, and what I needed to let go of and chalk up to immaturity. I can tell you now as a mother of two teenage daughters, that is still my daily prayer. (smile) 

Not long ago I realized that to maintain relationships with my girls during the teen years I cannot allow an ideal standard to become an idol. Nor can I keep them from making mistakes--the greatest fear mothers have. We desperately want to keep our girls from making the same mistakes we made. Let me just assure you mothers, IF your daughters do make the same mistakes you made our God will be there with them. He is able to teach them and be glorified through it.  It is imperative during the teen years to choose our battles wisely. If we never allow our girls to make their own decisions or learn from poorly made decisions, they will not mature as quickly as they should. Unfortunately for all of us, some lessons are only deeply learned as a result of reaping what we sow. Along with that however, comes the powerful reminder and reality of the enormity of God's love and grace. We need not fear our daughters making mistakes. If we are praying for our girls to have depth of character, learning from their mistakes is one of the ways God can accomplish that.  


In the teen years daughters are searching for identity, significance, and desperately still need security. As moms, we can only do and say so much to point them to Christ and remind them what God says. They need to own their faith at this stage in their life too. We cannot make all their plans, all their friends, monitor every movie they see, song they listen too, or website they visit. While I am a firm believer in regularly monitoring what our children are up to and periodically spot checking all their technology, the reality is we can not control their every move. Nor should we try. Even if our motive is good, we can quickly push our kids away at a time when they need us most. 


The teen years should be training ground for making decisions. And what better place to try this out than under the care and grace of loving patient parents. Your girls need to know mom will be there for them even when they blow it. If they only feel pressure to behave in a certain way, and disappointment when they don't, they won't come to you when they blow it later. This has got to be one of the hardest parts about mothering in the teen years. 


When our girls where little, we made so many decisions for them. It was easy to keep them safe and away from many temptations. As they get older however, it is imperative our girls learn how to discern between right and wrong for themselves. No matter what kind of upbringing they have had up to this point, they will make mistakes.  They're sinners just like we are.  


A huge step towards maturity is learning how to respond when confronted with temptation and mom isn't there. And they need to learn how to assess all those "gray" areas in life as well. How will they weigh out what is good or bad for them? The best way for us to prepare them is to let go little by little. The earlier we start this process and talk about it along the way, the easier it will be for them to talk to us about their choices in the teen years. 


Ladies, we need the line of communication open in the teen years! They don't stop needing us just because they may spend more time in their rooms or listening to music. They need us just as much as they did when they were little, if not more. Our heart and message to them must  be, "There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and there is nothing you can do that would ever make me love you less." That's the message of the gospel; unconditional love. They need to see it lived out during these years. Love must be living and active in our relationships with them. Otherwise they will only feel condemned and confused, and eventually pull away from you.  

For all you young mothers, I pray the Lord helps set the foundation in your relationships now. For all you veteran moms of teens, I pray the Lord will give you wisdom how to continue pursuing your relationship with your girls during this season. 


I could have spent hours preparing a list of do's and don't for raising godly daughters,  but then we would be attempting to achieve something by good works. The Lord continues to show me its all about Him, and bringing my girls to Him daily. Yes, as Christians we definitely say no to what God has clearly shown us is sin. But we need to be careful not to set up unrealistic standards that our girls will never be able to live up to. When our daughters see how crazy in love with the Savior we are, they will naturally gravitate towards wanting that. And I guarantee when they see "his exceeding great power towards you who believe", they will want that for themselves. 


Be patient with your precious daughters and remember, the same grace that justified you and saved you from your sin, is the same grace that will justify your daughters as they grow and are sanctified little by little, day by day, year by year.  


Be encouraged dear sisters! It such a joy to experience each new season in our relationships with our girls. It blossoms into friendship the older they get. They are they our daughters, but soon to be friends, and sisters in Christ as well!  Our God reigns! 
 
In Christ's amazing mercy,  ~Wendy Armstrong / email : his3angels@mac.com   

Monday Mentor Moms: Wendy

I am so excited to begin this series! It is called Monday Mentor Moms.  I will connect with a mom I admire, whose daughter is older than mine with a goal of learning from moms who on the other side of the some of the trenches. These are women who love the Lord and who have raised their daughter(s) to do the same. Sometimes the mom will write to us directly; sometimes I will chat with the mom and turn our conversation into a post. I am blessed just listening to these amazing women; I hope you are blessed reading their advice and wisdom. 


I met today's mentor mom when I was a college student in Iowa. I remember babysitting her beautiful girls when they were toddling around the house. I think her girls had the longest eyelashes I had ever seen. And if you know Wendy, what you remember about her, is her faith. It shines brightly. 


Because Wendy and I live in different states, I couldn't sit down with her for tea (oh how I wish), but she still graciously agreed to write for us. Her thoughts will span this Monday. Next Monday, Wendy will focus more on specifically on teenage daughters. If you have a chance, leave a comment as a way to thank Wendy for her time. 

Raising godly daughters... 

Raising daughters today, and godly daughters at that, is anything but easy.  I have been on this journey for over 16 years. Amanda, my oldest, is 16 and a half, and Ashley will be 14 in two months. I suppose to one peering through our window, our family looks average. We live in an old 3 bedroom house in a suburb of Des Moines. We've moved four times over the years, have lived in both the city and small town, attend church regularly, home school, and have two dogs and three cats. 

It has been such a joy watching my two daughters grow up over the years; the wonder and miracle of infancy, the discovery and delight of toddlers, the creative imaginations through young childhood, the development of reasoning minds in pre adolesance, and now -moving into independence in the teen years. Each season has kept me in constant communication with our God; thankful for all the joys, and dependent on Him for wisdom in each new challenge and trial. I wouldn't trade one moment of mothering daughters for anything. 

My girls are anything but average. Each is amazing and incredible in her own unique way. One is quiet and contemplative, artsy and perceptive, and loves intimate conversation. The other is active and adventurous, musical and athletic, and creative in her expression of love. One is reserved and analytical, the other assertive and bold. When they were younger one would cuddle up and whisper how much she loved me, the other would run outside and play for hours, but spontaneously stop, pick flowers, run them inside to me, and return to her make believe world. Both equally as sweet, both are treasured memories for a lifetime. 

Each of my girls has her own set of strengths and weaknesses. Some temptations and life lessons have been common to them both, others differed due to their unique personalities. I tried to always celebrate their differences and be thankful for them. At times those differences fueled discord but most of the time they fit together like a puzzle. In spite of their differences they have always been best friends. 

I prayed from the time my second daughter was born that God would bless my girls with a special friendship and anoint them with fellowship in His Spirit at an early age. Like all siblings they had their moments of squabbling, but God has over-shawdowed that with his love and grace. At 16 and 13 they still love to hang out together. They prefer each other's company over all their friends. They confide in each other, consult and counsel each other, and can make each other laugh harder than anyone else. I continue to bathe their relationship in prayer daily. 

When my girls were little I thought the way to assure success in raising up godly daughters would be easy. My list included:  read the Word to them daily, pray with them daily, instill a love for God at a young age, teach them early the gospel, give them a love for worship, expose them to good sound doctrine and teaching, create safe and loving environments for them, make sure they are insulated from too much culture and worldly influences, stress pure character, be consistent in discipline, be humble and honest with my mistakes, exemplify a submissive heart and attitude towards their earthly father, give them an education from a Christian worldview, give them homemaking skills, encourage them to seek God on their own, equip them to discern right from wrong, instill a love for studying God's Word, and lead them to God when confronted with decisions and the need for answers.   

The key to this list is that I must be committed to living it out in my personal life first. As mothers, God has given us the most influential position in our girls' lives. The temptation for us is to believe that if we can somehow create a perfect environment, free from all ungodly exposures and corruption, we will succeed in raising godly women. This is a lie. In actuality isolating them from the world and never teaching them how to deal with sin, temptation and pain will do more harm than good. This side of Heaven, life is not perfect and free from ungodly exposures. Truth is, life gets messy and complicated because we live in a fallen world. Corruption is everywhere. 

From the time my girls were very young, God has allowed tremendous heartache and challenges in our lives. My girls had to deal with very grown up issues at very young ages. They grew up knowing the grief and heartache associated with addictions of loved ones. They experienced abandonment  and deep emotional and relational disappointments. They experienced death of close loved ones many times. (In a period of three years between my husband's and my families we had 7 deaths.) They have known persecution for their faith from close loved ones and "friends."  They felt the sting of betrayal from people very close to them, and they experienced parents who separated three times over the years.  

I use to be fearful that living through such hard trials would produce rebellion and confusion in my daughters. But in God's grace, it's actually had the opposite impact.  The only answer to life's challenges is Jesus. The more our girls see us depend on Him, the more it reinforces that they need Him as well. My girls have depth of character far beyond what I did at their age. Their faith in their God is deep and real. Their compassion, mercy, and discernment blows me away. Each of them has already been blessed with a heart for ministry. While I may not have chosen to expose them to all that life threw at us at such early ages, I know our life has been sifted through the hands of a loving Father who knows what is best, and promises to use it for good in our lives.  ~Wendy, his3angels@mac.com