Wednesday Wisdom: Find A Beauty Model

My hair is the color of milk chocolate. My husband's is more of a 90% Cacao dark chocolate.  Neither of us have freckles.

When Bird turned six, she suddenly didn't like the way she looked. She had red hair and freckles.  I didn't know how to help her. I wanted to blame Barbie. I tried to point out other red heads and cute kids with freckles. But she didn't care. She wanted to look more "normal." Whatever that is.

Into our lives walked a lovely woman who eventually married a dear friend of ours. At first, she lived next door. She was bubbly, friendly and good with kids. She was younger than me and very fashionably ("she wears lots of skirts," my dress-twirling girls observed gleefully). The girls loved her instantly. She knew about things that elude me: decorating and fashion and jewelry. She had a funny habit of counting her freckles. And she had long red curly hair (like Bird's in the summer). And with great authority, she could tell Bird why red heads need extra sunscreen. And she helped Bird rejoice as the sun increased her freckle count. They would giggle together about the funny places freckles sometimes show up, like on ears.

She doesn't live next door anymore. The bachelor she married is a favorite in our family, so we see this couple at least once a week. And they are both good with kids. And the girls love them both. They are favorite babysitters and sometimes, the girls go to their apartment for sleep overs. I consider the arrival of my friend, who shares my name, a blessing from the Lord.

Ever since our dear red-headed, freckled, good-with- kids friend arrived, Bird has loved the way God created her. Mothers, pray for other women who can be role models to your girls. Because really, we have too many sins and faults and weaknesses to raise our kids alone--we need help. God can overcome all our weaknesses and He knows that sometimes, another person is the best victory. And if your daughter doesn't share your looks, pray for another woman, who loves the Lord and can relate to your daughter's beauty concerns.

I love having a beauty role model for my girls. She isn't some air brushed photo from a magazine. She's a real person who loves the Lord and can speak truth in the lives of my girls. She  picks blueberries with us and chats with Bird about periods and cramps and other questions her unfiltered curiosity poses.
Sometimes a girl just wants to hear things from someone other than mom!

We don't have grandmas, aunts, and cousins nearby so I am thankful God has given us family here. And I am thankful for the talents and interests God has given the women around me so my girls can learn beyond my strengths and weaknesses.

If you need some decorating advice, our red-headed friend blogs about it at Ever After Blueprint. Check it out.

A song about beauty

It's that time of year when women really focus on how they look. So let's return to the topic of beauty. In early November,  I made severals post regarding how our girls view their own beauty. Watch Dove's fabulous short film called Evolution here. And read about resources to help your daughter learn about beauty from God's perspective here. I want to add a song to the resources that I've shared. It's powerful and will bless your daughter if you share with her at the perfect time. But I can't tell you when that is. You will have to keep the conversations open and the prayer going to discern when she needs the words of this song. Later in the week check in for a post about beauty role models.

Hair ties, headbands and headaches

Two girls. A new package of 25 elastic hair bands. A new brush. Happy momma who purchased both hair items on clearance to replace the ones that had gone missing. Fast forward six months.

Hair brush is missing. Momma's brush is the only one that can be found and on this particular day, momma's brush is buried under a quilt on Bird's bed. Only two hair bands are in the hair accessory drawer. That morning even those two are inaccessible because my husband is in the bathroom when the girls want to do their hair for school. The girls pull out their doll bin and start flinging hard and soft dolls out of the basket. The dolls have stolen the hair bands. One of the Groovy Girls, well she made her hair into four pigtails and used four of our hair bands. No wonder we can't find them. And Barbie, well she took a hair band and piece of cloth and made a dress. And in the car, three bands are shoved in a little hiding place in the handle of the door. Probably deposited there after a soccer game. And in the basement, there are four scattered in corners or under couches. Bird shot them at Bug in a moment of playfulness, or maybe revenge. There are two more in the pocket of Bug's coat; she generally departs for school with pigtails or braids and returns with her hair down. Three of the bands broke or were mysteriously stretched past the point of usefulness.  And the last four, well those went to the land of missing socks and lost buttons.

Photo taken by my friend
Stephanie at Triptych Photo

Over a year ago, I decided to tackle the lack of responsibility regarding hair accessories. While I could lay ground rules, like no using momma's brush, I needed to help the girls get organized. My first attempt was a hobby box, with all the barrettes and bands sorted by color. Ours is now defunct but you can admire Amy's over at The Idea Room.  I wish we were organize-by-color kind of people but really we too spontaneous to be good at organizing.

We live in a small house with one full size bathroom. By modern standards that bathroom is tiny. It has three 7-inch wide drawers for storage and a big space under the cabinet and that's it. The girls' room is also tiny. There was no drawer or  any place safe to keep the hobby box so we set it on top of the nightstand. It made sense. The nightstand has a mirror above it . But the box would get knocked off and the lid rarely got latched. And then we had hair accessory vomit. And still the girls removed their hair accessories long before bedtime and deposited them wherever. Plus the hobby box didn't help with the multiplying headband problem.

So the search for organization continued. This summer I emptied out an oatmeal container and a container of powdered Gatorade. I cleaned them out and glue gunned blue zebra stripe scrapbook paper to the bins and a bow ( the girls LOVE animal prints). The oatmeal container was perfect for headbands. Hair clips attach to the edge and brushes or elastic headbands go inside. So does the purple carabiner that holds all the elastics bands. This system works for us, though it isn't as pretty as a the color organized hobby box, it fits our personalities. Now, it's time to establish some habits about putting the hair accessories away...any suggestions?

Linking up with :

Fuel: My Body Gallery

As we make New Years decisions, if we even bother at all, most women reflect on their looks and what they hope to change. Change can be good if it comes from a motivation to take care of the temporary body God has given us. Sometimes though we need to learn to love the body God gave us. I am grateful for the way God taught me to love what he has given me.

A decade ago my husband and I were chaperoning a group of college student on a mission trip in China. Each student had a Chinese roommate and stayed in a dorm. And each day we got a ticket so we could walk the three blocks to the shower facility. It was a community shower facility. It was a little embarrassing, like showering in gym class,  except we were all older and needed to act as unembarrassed as the local Chinese women who stared openly at us. We were in the center of China, an agricultural area, the Iowa of China. Not manyAmericans came that far inland. So the Chinese women stared at us who were generally taller, blonder, and a bit more reserved (we never did get brave enough to scrub each others backs). Although I was 26 at the time, I had never seen so many naked women together: grandmas, mothers, teenagers, kids. Chinese and American. Because you can't stand in a community shower room silent and with eyes downcast when fun conversations and laughter are going on around you, I began to look around and chat. I knew, because my health teacher told me, that bodies come in all shapes and sizes. But never before was the evidence right in front of me without the concealment of clothing. And in that shower room, I began to appreciate the way ever body is different and beautiful in its own way. And I began to believe that we are all beautiful in our way. Appreciating God's handiwork, I could marvel at the sagging breasts of a mother who had clearly been a nursing mother and admire the muscles in a lady who obviously did physical labor. And the heights, as the two cultures shared the showering space....every size imaginable. And there, during the summer I of my first pregnancy, I  became comfortable with my body, because I realized it was God's workmanship.

If you have never had a communal showering experience that taught you to appreciate your body, well I found a web site for you: My Body Gallery. You type in your height and weight and then search (you can register but you do not have to). Real pictures of real women who are the same height and weight come up. I played around on the site, changing the height but keeping my weight. I loved it. I love the bravery of the women who share their images and the reminder that there isn't one best shape. And while your daughters, unless they are teenagers won't really benefit from this site, Moms need to be content with the body God has given them. And if body contentment is an area you need to work on, maybe this site will help you on your journey.

Learning about beauty, in a healthy way

I noticed my tone yesterday was combative. Fight the culture. Resist the portrayals of beauty. But I left out a huge part of how women are made. They love to be beautiful. And while true beauty comes from within, knowing how to care for and enjoy the beautiful traits God has given you is necessary. Teaching our daughters to nurture their beauty is one of the jobs of a mom. So if we can't begin by following the advice of all-too-present media and marketers, where do we go? And what if, like me, you are woefully inept at taking care of your own beauty?

Time for some resources. I recommend reading these books with your daughter(s), engaging them in conversations and then helping them apply the things they are ready and excited to try. Don't make your 8-year-old use acne control products or deodorant unless she is really developing early and needs them. But if she loves nail polish, give her the tools and knowledge to take care of her nails well.

Start with the topics that interest your girl (nails, braids, etc.). Establish a routine. To make reading together extra special, make a quick treat you don't normally have and sit in a cozy spot where no one can interrupt.  At my house, mommy/daughter reading time happens when dad and sister are at soccer. We get root beer and cheese puffs ( an unhealthy adoration we both share but I rarely buy). Sometimes eating the cheese puffs makes us giggle when we read the sections about healthy eating but we eat extra produce at dinner that day and giggle more.

My favorite so far in the beauty department is by one of my favorite tween authors, Nancy Rue. The Beauty Book and is a nonfiction companion to one favorite fiction series for 9-year-old girls, the Lily series. The Beauty Book is not about puberty. It's about our own beauty and how to take care of it. It covers everything from God's perspective and gives practical advice about how to care for hair, nails, hands, feet, and skin. It was a motivator for my Bird to wash her hair with less grumbling and to try to stop her nail biting habit ( I gave up nagging on her long ago, realizing she would have to choose when to stop).

Another fun book is Ann Akers Johnson's Hair: A Book of Braiding and Styles. So this is an old fashioned book of braids. It doesn't have modren hairstyles, just classic braids. But my girls were anxious to learn how to braid in different styles and this mom only knew how to french braid. This book helped.

And here is the book that is next on our list to read: American Girl's Spa Fun. American Girl has numerous titles that could be highlighted in this post. I've never been disappointed with an American Girl book, but I haven't read most of their beauty-related books so I can't recommend them here. Spa Fun has recipes for facial, hair treatment and lip gloss. Things to keep and things to give away. I think it will create great mother/daughter moments.

Sometimes I struggle with how much to talk to my 9-year-old about beauty. Would it be better to ignore the issue?  I don't know the best answer but I do believe that I want to talk with her about beauty before marketers or peers beat me to it.

Beauty reality check for your girls

 I love resources: books, articles, other people. I am concerned about the emphasis on beauty that our culture feeds our kids. So I did what I always do. Pray and seek resources. I found Dove commercials from 2006 and 2007. I love the emphasis on real beauty this company adopted a few years ago and even if it is a marketing ploy, I don't care.

I want our girls to love the way God created them. But culture doesn't encourage this and truthfully, most moms still struggle to accept their own body and the looks God has given them. So what's an honest mom to do? Pray. Fight to find alternative views of beauty. Talk to your girls, acknowledging your own struggles.

Maybe you didn't have time to check out the article on the sexualization of little girls(here)  or to read about dolls that don't look like Barbie (here). So to motivate you dear friend, to think about this issue, watch this short Dove commercial.  (Since Bug and Bird are both red heads, this video really gets to me). This first video is only for moms and teens and older tweens.

Now, here is a short Dove video to watch with your princess of any age. I've shown this to my daughters and their friends. They ask to see it over and over again. They refer to it. It's powerful.  Young girls have no idea what goes into a model's photo shoot. They need to know.

Come back tomorrow and I will give you more resources to combat the unnatural beauty emphasis of our culture.

Sharing on August 7,  2012 with Mama Loves: