Girl Drama

Writing today with Lisa Jo and a delightful group that love to exercise their writing muscles for five short minutes on Friday and then cheer each other on.  Today's word: Connect.

First BFF in the cycle

Fourth grade girl drama. It's intense. Each girl, suddenly insecure, needs others to look at her, listen to her, laugh with her because suddenly mom and dads smiles and loves are not enough. They want friends, best-stick-together-forever friends. But they haven't learned yet that the world revolves on an axis that is unrelated to them. They can't hardly listen to each other tell stories because inside, instead of listening, they are thinking I have a story too. Who will listen? Who will connect?

And then they find that best friend--the one who giggles at jokes and shares lunch box desserts and provides an anchor in the craziness of the playground. And her world spins splendidly around the ostensible friendship axis. And mom can sleep easily. And then BAM. Someone tries to steal BFF (because friends at this age are possessions). And feelings get hurt and tears run and noses drip and moms pray. 

I watched this cycle last year--knowing that it was in slow spin moving quickly toward rapid spin in the middle school years.  Helpless, I prayed and tried to believe it would all produce character and true connections.

3 ways to bless a friend going through divorce

I am giddy to share with you today. My awesome friend Sarah bravely agreed to write a post for me. During my lonely years in Montana she was the needed friend God sent me.  I've never laughed so hard or cried so hard with anyone. And today, you get to learn from her wisdom. Her post reminds me of 2 Corinthians 1:4 which says, God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Sarah, I am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing. Please encourage her, dear readers, with your comments.

When my dear friend Laura asked me to write a post about how to support a friend who is going through a divorce, I thought, sure, I can do that. But then I realized, no, I don’t know anything about other people's situations – they are all unique. But I do know how the people God brought into my life ministered to me and how that helped me through the pain and struggles of divorce.

Six years ago, when I was going through the divorce, my children were very young (pre-school).  My husband was pursuing a relationship with another woman, ending our marriage. At the time, I had a narrow network of support – I had put all my emotional energy into my marriage. But God gathered people around me, from my church and from out of the blue, and He blessed and encouraged me through them.

I felt marked, like I was wearing a big red letter “S” during the separation, then a big red “D” after the divorce. Divorce? Me? I struggled with being a divorced person and how the Christian community would respond to me. I was most blessed by the friends who mourned with me, but did not judge me for my situation. People I didn’t know as well blessed me by sending cards expressing their support and love.

If you know someone going through a separation and divorce, call them and let them know, by telling them, that you are there for them if they need anything. If you don’t know them as well, send them a card offering your love, prayers, and support.

I felt discarded and unlovable. The sadness was always there. It was a day-to-day struggle with sadness, pain, and loneliness. The friends who blessed me most were faithful in their friendship. They actively loved me, sought me out, called to check on me, persevered despite my self-absorption. Friends who blessed me during that time listened, encouraged, and cared, but they also shared their lives with me and helped me get outside my situation and myself. They allowed me to serve them (host, watch their children, etc.). It was healing for me to be valuable in someone else’s life.

Sarah blessed me by inviting my family over to celebrate MY birthday. She made the whole meal, accommodating all the food restrictions in my family.....gluten free and sugar free. It was better than a gift wrapped with a pretty bow.  

Be persistent. Keep initiating. Keep reaching out. Listen and be supportive, but be real. Don’t hide your own life and struggles. Also share and let them be a friend to you.

I was brokenhearted over the divorce's impact on my children. Every week when they went for the overnight with their dad, my heart broke again. Huge blessings came from friends who made a point to invite me over (or invite themselves over to my place) when my children were with their dad.  One time, I remember feeling brokenhearted, sad, worried for my children--mourning their pain, distraught at the loss of my dreams for the family life I wanted them to have. I was crying uncontrollably and needed a friend. I called my dear friend Laura. As soon as she heard my tears, she said, “I’m coming over.” She came, she sat with me on the couch as I cried. And she didn’t say anything. That was so healing and comforting for me. She listened, cried with me, and hugged me. She blessed me with her caring presence.

Let them cry. You can’t fix it, so don’t try. And you probably don’t understand their pain and that’s OK. But you can be there and be a physical, tangible expression of God’s love to them.

Thank you, Lord, for the many people you put in my life to encourage and comfort me. Thank you, Lord, for the many friendships that have come out of that time. I am so blessed, so enriched by the lives you brought to touch mine.  

Wednesday Wisdom: Make friends in different places

In high school, I had school friends, a church friend and a dear neighbor. If we hadn't been neighbors, our lives would not have intersected. We didn't have anything in common except location. But I was so thankful for Dori. Somehow, having a friend who wasn't part of the different dramas in my life helped to keep me balanced. I could talk. She could listen. She would pet sit. I would listen. I could meet her friends and share opinions or I could sneak one of my boyfriends over to her house (which I did once).  We had more sleepovers than I can count.

I can't remember the book where I read the wisdom for today. That is how wisdom works sometimes. It sticks in your brain when the other details fall away. Give your daughter friends in multiple places. 

Being a tween or teen comes with friendship pitfalls. Ensuring that your daughter connects in a meaningful way with girls from different places will bolster her confidence. Friendships that aren't school based don't tend to have as much drama as friendships with a neighbor or a girl in dance class. Plus if things go sour for the week with one group of friends, there are still other girls who want to hang out with your daughter.

In our church body, the closest kid is 7 years younger than Bird--a lifetime in kid years. And my girls attend public school. I knew my oldest daughter needed friends from  outside school who came from families that loved the Lord. My motivation was partly selfish. I wanted Bird to know other girls who's parents made them memorize scripture, limited video game time, and had high modesty standards (High pitched refrains of "Mom, why are we so weird?" were becoming frequent).

Bird had tons of school friend drama, not-so-strong connections with soccer team girls, and a couple good neighborhood friends. I wanted to introduce her to a group of girls her age she didn't already know. So last summer, the Girls Club began. We used our super cool treehouse as a meeting place and I led the girls through Bible Studies, crafts and games. The 5 girls attended three different schools and had a wide variety of interests. That group doesn't function without issues, but now Bird's possibilities of friends to talk with is expanded and she knows we aren't the only ones who are weird.

Inviting daughters from 4 other families to be in a club took more bravery than I wanted it to. But Bird gained new friends. I saw the girls grow in faith and now, though I don't see them often, I feel like I have more daughters. The families of these girls feel blessed to have another speaking truth into her life. Really, my goal of gaining friends for my girl spread blessings to my girl, myself, and the families of others. Praying that God will duplicate a club for my youngest when the time comes.

Helping your daughter make friends from different circles requires opening your house and helping girls connect. It is intentional and time consuming. But she won't be the only one to reap the benefits.

Linking up today with other friends.....